Evolve

New and Old thoughts

January 23rd, 2024

Was thinking today, I miss him. Have repeated that phrase in my several times over the last few days. But it wasn’t until today, that it occurred to me, it’s the same stinking thought I’ve been having for the last several months, including the time when we were dating. Weeks would go by and we wouldn’t see each other and I would just miss him.

While the thought is very sad still, I’m wondering if there is a way to help myself here. I mean, what does it matter if I’ve ended the relationship if I’m still having the same general thought and feeling. Which obviously brings me to the point of why I am not reaching out to him. Of course, I want to. But for what? For more of the same in a few weeks after the initial coming together wears off? No thank you, I would just prolong my misery for a few more weeks/months. Plus, if we didn’t get on the same page on how to communicate and spend time together while we had the opportunity of a “fresh” or “new” love, the chances of aligning after a perceived threat, are much slimmer. The perceived threat of ending the relationship would just add unnecessary stress to both. So yes, for all these reasons I’m not reaching out. Better to leave bygones be bygones, with a taint of mystery for the what could have been or explaining why things are what they are. The final result doesn’t change. What didn’t work out, didn’t work out. What worked, worked and lasted what it lasted.

So, given that I have chosen this path, I started to wonder how I can help myself here. I mean, unless I’m committed to living in sadness and misery, pining for what I wanted that wasn’t, I have the opportunity to care for myself. It really is brilliant. You know, how mothers would be to their children when they are sad, or fathers to their children when they are not achieving a high mark in sports or a hobby. Or the same way that I think, how to help Osito (my new puppy) get acclimated to his new home. How I can help him feel more comfortable in his crate, or his new bed, or go potty in the busy streets of the city, etc.

I am thinking I can redirect my attention whenever the familiar thoughts come up. I could ask myself a question about another topic that I care about and boy there are a lot of things that really light me up about life and the potential to making this life be the fullest expression of this soul. It is okay that I have been sad, and it is okay if sadness comes up again. It is also okay for me to move on at full speed and to go about my days with both arms open wide to receive the MANY blessings the Universe has waiting for me!

What an opportunity to start again. What a delightful way to embark in a new journey. Cheers my friends! To a new life! To beginnings! To seedlings!
Suffering

March 6th, 2024

Maybe one of these days I will get super fast at acknowledging that I am suffering. This time it took me 36 hours to realize I have been suffering. I received news that I didn’t like. News that I received as defeating and “earth-shattering”. I know others might hear the details and disagree on the severity of the situation, but to me they are devastating news. Interestingly enough, I have already thought of alternatives pathways and how to forge forward, but the feelings part is not handled and I have been in a paralyzed state. Feeling sluggish, having difficulty concentrating, pushing things off for “later”, irritable, and perfectly fine alone >>> it was convenient to work from home today.

Anyway, it’s been a really difficult day today. I have “wasted” 36 hours where I could have been super productive and enjoyed time with others, but instead, I have been doing unproductive things that take me farther away from my goals.

I struggle to find ways to let my body know it’s okay, that we’re okay. That this setback is not permanent, and that instead we can use this as a challenge that will one day make us feel even more proud of the work we have accomplished. I struggle to let my body know this is not “my fault” and that I can give myself a break. That I don’t have to feel guilty and that I forgive myself for choices that have lead me to these circumstances. I let got and I release my soul, my body, and my mind from the suffering and blame that I am erroneously placing on my self. I don’t have to punish my self for any of this. I have simply made choices and they have lead me to this path. From here, I have the wherewithal to achieve my goals and dreams. I really do.

I can be responsible for my past, for my choices and for all the lessons I am learning. Shoot, in fact, I can be proud for learning these lessons and not letting them go to waste. I can share these lessons with my family, friends and anyone that is interested. For they are treasures that I have picked up along my journey. I am grateful to be in this lifetime, in this life, with these circumstances for they are the perfect circumstances for me. The Universe knows best and I am here to evolve so everything that is happening is FOR me.

So now what? These news and circumstances do not seem “earth-shattering” anymore, but what do I do next? How do I start my next action from a “winning mindset”? I suppose I forge forward… but do I need anything to do that? am I ready? do I need to feel anything else, can I just move on to the next thing? I don’t know really… I’m guessing so, but don’t know if there is something I’m missing… like a step, or a mantra, or something to keep me grounded with an elevated frequency… I don’t know, but I shall find out.

Life is for me and I’m ready for it.

Image Source: By Holger.Ellgaard – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=4326478
Heartbreak (again)

January 17th, 2024

Must this life be about heartbreak over and over again? Must we go through the experience of labored breathing, with a hurt, broken heart while tears wet our face? Sure, every human being experiencing this is made the wiser. But should some of us go through this heartbreak time and time again? Why does it feel like some of us feel this with every infatuation? with every love, brief as it may be.

My heart feels heavy. I ended a relationship at the start of the year and though it was for the “right” reasons, the heartbreak still resonates through my heart and depletes my breath. Must I find it hard to breathe with the arrival of this breakup? The realization that my dream will go on unfulfilled.

I know what my friends will say “you’re better off alone, he wasn’t right for you”. I agree, in fact, I said it before, but it doesn’t take the edge off the sadness. How can I be sad for losing someone that wasn’t meant for me? How does my heart feel so deeply, so fast, for someone that was here for only a brief moment? Why does my mind trick me into thinking of these men as long-term partners? This man wowed me with his words of “potential”, only to leave an empty, vast hole where he/we would have been.Why must my heart fall for him when he didn’t show a consistent aptitude for said potential?

I ask, “what is the lesson here?”, but I’m too sad to hear it. It is strange though. There is sadness, but also relief. Relief that I have stopped wondering if this is the “right” man, or relationship for me. I am no longer asking myself “is this the relationship that will elevate my life?” The relief is great, but (at least for now) overshadowed by the sadness that emerges from within with the realization that he isn’t the one.

Perhaps, this grief is what I have been avoiding all along. Since the first time, I “knew” he wasn’t the one. I allowed, and even “fanned the flames” of the alluring “maybe, he’s the one!” Yet, it seems like this entire time I was avoiding the inevitable disillusion that he isn’t for me. Instead of a sharp, clean cut, I let months of “maybe” carve a deeper grove in my heart and mind. And that my friends, might be the lesson here.

Also, for complete clarity, I want to emphasize there is nothing wrong with this man. He is great, hardworking, astute, clever, good-looking and for someone else, he will be a great match and a generous and loving provider. Which only points me back to my sadness. He is all those things, just not for me. My mind wanders, “where did it all go wrong?”, along with a few more pointless and unanswerable questions that lead to nothing more than blame and frustration. The good-for-nothing and never-ending game of “what-if”.

I must remember to hold space for the vision I have for my life. The vision of what feels like a great, committed relationship to me. The vision that I thought we shared, but at the end, didn’t materialize together and that is okay. What has taken place is for a reason and I honor it all. It was in fact, that vision that lead me to the decision to break the relationship. Perhaps that is lesson number two. To find even more space inside to hold true. True to my wisdom, true to my calling.

Inside this space, there is no blame or second-guessing. There is simply being. I love you and I hold space for your highest good. I am holding space for my highest good too.

In all this sadness, I also experience a glimmer of excitement for a new beginning. What can my life be about if I am not consumed by the incessant questioning of “is he the one?” “where is he?”, etc., etc. It is much too soon for the prospects of new beginnings. For now, I promise to move at my own pace and to hold space for all there is. Including the rage. ”Why didn’t he just X, Y, and Z”. Ugh! I’m so angry at him. Seriously, what was so hard about this? Not very hard if one stays true to our words as opposed to being afraid to act. Said the Virgo advising her friend, while all the while ignoring her own advice. Mua hahahaha.

That’s it for now. I’m here for it and I’ve got you <3… said me to me.
The triumph over 20 years of hesitation

January 3rd, 2024

So fellas, here I sit with a glass held high in the air, cheering for this triumph to launch my very own blog after a 20 year deluge of self-doubt. Cheers!

This very well could be the worst idea I’ve ever had (though it’ll be hard to top the failed marriage), but on the upside, this could be the liberation of my soul. Most nights, I feel this gigantic need to say all of these things ranging from rants about the latest love, or my family, work, dreams, or any number of some insignificant thoughts with little sense to them. Nonetheless, though, that urge to scream the thoughts is loud and something tells me some of these thoughts are actually worth saying out loud. Perhaps hoping someone “out there” can relate, hear me. Perhaps, this living alone has just gotten to me enough that I am desperate to be heard. Perhaps though, this living alone and finally saying I will fight for my dreams, is the culprit of this dream materializing.

Either way, I am here and I will make this count. For me. I will let my heart fill these pages, because there is soooo much to give and these electronic pages will be the recipient of all this love, care, and whatever that thing is called that is there that I can’t find the words to describe. It’s something like “life”?

We are at the start of a new year and after much looking, I have found what I’m leaving behind, the thing that I keep repeating in my head that I’m letting go of. ”I DON’T KNOW”. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve limited myself, how much self-doubt I churn up in between these lovely ears and let it spin me in circles until I am dizzy and directionless. Well, it leaves me either directionless or way too tired, or way to scared to then actually take any kind of action because I’ve thought about all the worst case scenarios enough that taking any kind of risk would just be plain DUMB and mamma didn’t raise no dumb girl (maybe just a scared, self-doubting one). hehe. Sorry mom, but it rings pretty true, at least for now.

So now on to what I am creating, therefore practicing repeating in my head over and over again until it becomes a reality for my sweet brain “I AM READY”. My word for 2024 is “THRIVE”.

What I am leaving behind, coupled with my creations and the sanctity of serendipity are at the source of this blog being published today! I can still remember the days when I started to “blog” 20 years ago, but then got scared to hit the publish button and so then it became an “online journal”. While that served me in some aspects, it still left me with a nagging feeling that I was not sharing this with the world. And while I still haven’t resolved myself the WHY to share… I have learned to trust myself enough to know I don’t need to intellectually know the answer to a question, I can simply obey the higher wisdom that screams in my heart to just share this.

I don’t know if it will be of value to anyone, or if someone might find this and hate it, or if people can comment here and troll me online, or if I’ll say something really dumb, or if what I’m saying here someone else has already said (probably yeah), but I am confirming, validating, putting a stake in the ground to say WHAT I HAVE TO SAY MATTERS and I AM HERE TO SAY IT.

And I don’t mean any harm to anyone, so if this sparks anything in anyone, then so be it! Go give your heart that which it calls for! I think that is the biggest demonstration of what love is… to listen to our hearts and give it what it asks.

As a side note, I want to thank the book @Elizabeth Gilbert for her book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. I purchased it on Apple Books on October 7, 2023 and here I am publishing my very first blog post 88 days later. May the Creativity fairies continue to bless me and the world with this magic as I am eternally grateful you’ve come to touch me once again. My heart is full as I hit publish. Scared too, but full. Lol.

New and Old thoughts

Suffering

Heartbreak (again)

The triumph over 20 years of hesitation